by Stacie on May 17, 2010
The definition of arrogance is offensive display of superiority or self-importance; overbearing pride. If you read the previous post about Mommy Envy, then you probably think this post is unnecessary–you know, because it’s for her, the OTHER mommy. Feel free to send a link to your nemesis, but don’t click “send” until you’ve read the entire post.
How can we detect Mommy Arrogance in ourselves? Stay seated and hold on tight. Try not to squirm your way out of this part. If you are suffering from envy, it’s very likely that you are guilty of Mommy Arrogance. It makes us feel better about ourselves. Building ourselves up by tearing down another mom is like a soothing balm on top of the scalding burn of feeling jealous of someone else. Are you with me yet?
How can we detect Mommy Arrogance in ourselves?
Ever hear these kinds of thoughts go through your mind? “Did she even take the time to shower this morning?” “Is she seriously going to take her kids out in public dressed like that?” “Oh no! She’s giving her 4-year-0ld a soda to drink!” “She isn’t even trying to breast feed.” I could go on, but it’s just not healthy for me to linger in my own dark thoughts.
Feeling like this post is for you yet? Me too!!! What we have to remember is that at the root of each criticism is probably one of our values. The value of cleanliness, presentation, healthy nutrition, etc. When you think about it this way, we soon realize that criticizing someone for their set of values isn’t helpful in relationships. We are essentially using our personal standard–our measuring stick–and comparing everyone else to it. It doesn’t truly build you up in a healthy way to put others down. It only fuels the ugly monster of arrogance.
Ever met an arrogant person? Yeah. Well, she isn’t usually surrounded by a multitude of friendly people and she isn’t on your friends & family list in your contacts folder either. Why not? She makes you feel like a failure. Always doing something “better” than you do it. Always pointing out her mothering tips that are so great. She’s plastic!
Yes. We’re going in circles here, but don’t get lost. You do not want to be the friendless arrogant mommy and you don’t want to cross her path either. Enough said. So, how do we meet in the middle?
Let’s call our goal Contentment in Mothering. Getting to a state of contentment is hard work. Here is my suggestion:
1. Define contentment: the state of being contented; satisfaction; ease of mind. Satisfaction requires you to decide what will satisfy you.
2. Make 2 lists. List #1–your current parenting/mothering values. List #2–your desired parenting values.
3. Now compare the two lists and decide what changes need to be made in your home, in your attitude, and in your relationships. Make sure you stay practical here. For example, one of your goals could be “Be happier”, but that is not easily measured and will likely never be achieved. An achievable goal might be “Make a list of 3 things I am thankful for each week and put it on the refrigerator as reminder.”
So, go crazy with your values. Learn to appreciate the values you see in other families. If you find yourself slipping down the slippery slope of arrogance, turn it around to make a positive outcome. Define the value that is missing (according to your standard) and make sure you are making efforts to instill it into your family. Finally, when–and only when–asked for help in parenting, be humble and helpful with another mommy.
Any other thoughts you’d like to share? Please write it in the comments section below.
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by Stacie on November 4, 2009
We all suffer, to some degree, from Mommy Comparison. Mommy comparison is comparing oneself to another mother to the point of envy or arrogance. Let’s be honest about it. Comparing ourselves to others usually puts us in one of two dangerous camps–envy or arrogance. We feel terrible about ourselves, while wishing for that “thing” we see in someone else’s life. We’ll call that one the Envy Camp. Or we look down on someone else because we think we are better than another mommy–the Arrogant Camp. Somewhere in the middle of these two is the elusive contentedness we truly desire. Today we’ll tackle the Envy Camp.
For starters, let’s look at the definition of envy. Envy is a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another’s advantages, success, possessions, etc. We might add things specific to motherhood, such as the way another mother parents, how her children look and act, how well she cooks, cleans, dresses, does her job (if working outside the home), etc. Now, think of your own example. Who is the mother you most envy? “I wish I could _______________ the way Susy does. ” Really think about that blank. All the energy focused on Susy and her “blank” makes you feel a little defeated doesn’t it? When I’m envious, I tend to lose confidence and security. You won’t be surprised to learn that an antonym of envy is a feeling of content. How content are you when you are envious?
Working through these feelings is really quite simple, but I didn’t say it was easy. Here are some questions to ask yourself when you find yourself feeling jealous.
Do I really want what she has?
Is it a priority for me and my family?
If the answer to these questions is NO, then you must let it go! Remember what your values and priorities are for you and your family. Write them down if you need to have a tangible reminder so you see them in moments of weakness. Would you be willing to give up something you have to achieve or acquire the envied object in question? Furthermore, comparison causes us to take our gratitude and throw it out the window. It’s difficult to appreciate your own blessings when you continue to stew over those of someone else. When you slip into comparison mode, remind yourself to focus on gratitude.
If the answer is Yes to the above questions, then take that envy and put it to good use. It will not benefit you or your family if you do not turn the corner. Right around the corner from envy is admiration. Oh, I love this! No longer is envy eating you up when you realize that another mommy can help you. You’re certainly not going to improve your situation by wishing for the situation of another. Is it me, or do you hear the Superman theme song in the background? Please don’t miss the beauty of this. When we let go of resentment and jealousy in the darkness of our hearts, admiration can bloom in the daylight.
Now, humble yourself and go to that woman and ask her for help. I haven’t met many women were not willing to help out another mom, especially in an area where she happens to have some thing to give. And I haven’t met one woman yet who would not at least appreciate a compliment. So you have nothing to lose. Begin gathering research about your area of improvement. Let’s take the subject of loving discipline (minus frustrated outbursts of anger;).
- Approach the other mommy (in person if possible) and give her a compliment. Say “Susy, I notice how consistently you discipline your little ones with love and patience. I have rarely seen any anger from you when you talk to your children. This is an area where I struggle. Are there any tips you could give me or books you might recommend that might help me?”
- Follow up. Take Susy’s advice. If she’s open to it, continue to stay in contact with her about your progress.
- Do your own research. Do a search on Amazon
for any books you might read or even try a Google Blog Search for articles other moms have written.
Notice when you are focused on solving a problem, you’ll find you have little if any time for Mommy Comparison and the envy that results. As you begin to see progress in this area of your life, your confidence will grow and your envy will more quickly turn into Admiration.
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