Feel Like A Failure? Find A New Way To Measure Progress.

Remember what it was like before you were a mom? You could shower, do a load of laundry, make a few phone calls, clean the kitchen, stop by the post office on your way to work, and get 3 hours of work done–all before lunch. At the end of the work day, you felt like you accomplished something. Despite daily stresses of working, you could measure your progress weekly, if not daily.

My first official job after college was teaching computer software courses to adults. I often would spend one day prepping for the class and teach it the next day. It was a lot of pressure, but it was so rewarding. I loved it. At the end of each day, I could easily measure the progress I had made. I not only learned a new software program for myself, I taught 12 other people how to use it too.

As a mom, I complete the same tasks over and over again. My to-do list would look something like this:

change baby’s diaper
feed children
clean kitchen
dress children (& me)
play or read to children
change baby’s diaper
change it again
feed children
clean kitchen
change diaper

That is only until nap time—maddening isn’t it?

We feel like failures when we don’t see progress. Before having children, we are used to measuring our progress daily. There is a sense of satisfaction in seeing a spotless kitchen, checking off a to-do list at work, or finishing a major school project. When we can accomplish something measurable, we don’t mind the hard work that it took. It is difficult to measure progress in child-rearing because so much of what we do is unseen.

How can we stop feeling like we have failed at mothering?

Get a new measuring stick.

We have to get a new measuring stick. We need to be focused on seasons of life, not daily progress. We have lived our pre-motherhood season measuring our progress and identifying ourselves with what is seen. Now, as mothers, we must focus on accomplishing a task that is almost completely unseen. Evaluating our progress as moms is now based on the relationship we have with our child. Every task we accomplish in parenting flows from that relationship. One way to measure progress in this area is to ask yourself some key questions.

Does my child trust me?

Am I consistent in meeting his needs?

Am I consistently responding to her with love and kindness? Give an example.

Am I consistently building character in my child? In what ways?

Am I developing discipline consistently? Give an example.

After answering these questions honestly, then measure your progress. Give yourself some grace, but be sure to address any areas of concern.

Re-prioritize your life.

It is time to re-prioritize our lives around this new role of motherhood. Most women naturally do this without even thinking about it. However, we fail to reconcile our new priorities with our progress report. Instead of having a daily to-do list, try having a “what I have done” list. This new list may include: got breakfast ready, read nursery rhymes to children, gave baby a bath, put her down for a nap, rested for 30 minutes, cleaned kitchen, gave children a snack, played outside, etc. I did this for a few weeks last year to remind myself of my priorities and to make sure I was keeping them straight. It proved to be a very helpful exercise.

There is nothing more important than exactly what you are doing right now—changing diapers, feeding your baby, singing to him at nap time, reading to him at bedtime. This is a season of your life. I used to get so tired of hearing people say to me “Enjoy them while they’re little.” It seemed like such thoughtless, clichéd advice when I had twin babies. How naive I was! It didn’t take me very long to realize the wisdom in that advice. I fell apart on a friend one night when she asked me how it was going. I remember saying to her, “How is it that everyone around me seems to enjoy my babies more than I do when I’m the one doing all the work?”

“Perspective is the ability to stand between yesterday and tomorrow and understand how today fits and what matters most.” (Morgan & Kuykendall)

As difficult as it is sometimes, we have to remember this season will not last forever. Once we understand it for what it is—a short season—we can begin to enjoy mothering more. We can set our priorities in line. Is it more important to make the house spotless and do every stitch of laundry today? Or, is it more important to make silly faces until you hear that first giggle and sing her lullabies, treasuring every minute of her peacefulness while in your arms? Here’s a quick test of your priorities. Consider the areas of your life that war against each other (i.e. housework vs. spending time with children). What sacrifices are you making and what are you making them for? The answer to this question may reveal your true priorities.

Elisa Morgan & Carol Kuykendall put it this way: “Perspective is the ability to stand between yesterday and tomorrow and understand how today fits and what matters most.” Somehow the pleasure and joy we receive from being a mom doesn’t always compute to our brain as progress, especially not in the early stages of our children’s lives. Content, happy babies don’t just happen. They are a result in part of their God-given personality and in large part due to the kind of parents they have.

Ten years from now…

Ten years from now, how will we evaluate this sweet season of our lives? What will we have to show for the choices we make today? What prevailing memories will our children have of their childhood? Decide today to make a list of priorities. Put them on the refrigerator or on the bathroom mirror. Print out the words from Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 as a reminder of the seasonal life perspective. Do whatever it takes to maintain perspective on progress in this short season of your life.

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Tagged as: Feel Like a Failure, Progress