Originally published March 25, 2009, this is still one of the posts I hold dearest to my heart. Most of you haven’t seen it because you haven’t been around that long. Welcome to New Mommy Help. Put your feet up and experience the beauty of your child’s relationship with his or her daddy.
I was talking to a friend yesterday who told me her husband just couldn’t handle their two kids by himself. Or, maybe it was that he didn’t think he could? Or, was it that she didn’t trust him to handle it well? Doesn’t really matter. It got me thinking. I have heard that from lots of moms and it just doesn’t compute for me.
The first time I left Todd alone with our twins to go to the grocery store, he called me 45 minutes later. I was standing in line at the checkout feeling good to be “alone”. When I answered the call he said, “You have to come home. They won’t stop crying and it’s driving me crazy.” To be fair, I breastfed and the boys were only about 6 weeks old. He felt helpless to calm them. So, I went home. And, a week later I went to get my hair cut. This time I left him some pumped milk he could offer if things got scary. Now, years later, Todd is on his own with all four of our kids without any problems.
Why can’t we moms let go? It seems to me that the underlying issue is fear. “If I don’t do it, it won’t get done right.” Are you afraid of leaving your baby/kids with your husband? Or is he afraid? First, I want to encourage you in this area. You are the mommy. Nobody else can be the mommy except you.
So, let him be the Daddy! He might feed them fruit loops and ice cream for dinner. He may not bathe them or if he does, he may get water in their faces. He just might read them 3 stories instead of exactly two. Does all of that really matter for one day? Or, maybe he will actually do a lot of things right. Could he actually do something better than you? You’ll never know until you let him try. Give him some space. The time you spend away will only serve to give you a much deserved break and boost Daddy’s confidence.
What will it do for the relationship between your baby and his daddy? We hear all the time how important it is for a baby to bond with her mother, but what about the bond with daddy?
I’ll be the first to admit that I can be a little controlling when it comes to taking care of my kids. As moms, we all can lean in this direction because it’s what we do. We live each day serving our kids and rightly so. I can give the little ones a bath without getting one drop of water in their eyes. I can make the best oatmeal and tuck them in just right. Even the mistakes I make are sometimes heralded by my kids.
My husband does not do it the way I do. He’s got his own way with our kids. And I love it! Nobody can get a laugh like Daddy in our house. No one can beat him at making funny voices when reading a story. No one can out-dance him. No one can win a tickle war against him. He’s the first one the kids ask to play outside with them. And, best of all, I can leave our house knowing they will be loved and cared for while I’m gone. Notice I didn’t say they will have a good babysitter. A daddy is not a babysitter. He’s a parent.
Are you ready to let go a little? If you are unsure about how things will go, start small. Leave for one hour at a time and then expand the time a little with each outing. If Daddy needs it, give him detailed instructions on schedule, food, sleep, etc. Tell him you know he can do it. He needs to hear your approval and encouragement. One of the most discouraging things you can do to a new daddy is to tell him you don’t trust him with his own children. Even if you haven’t actually said it, maybe your actions and lack of trust speak for themselves. Let him ask questions and make sure you stay by the phone in case he needs you. Take slow steps. It gets easier each time and your confidence (as well as his) will grow too.
Recommended Reading:
Father’s First Steps: 25 Things Every New Dad Should Know
Becoming a Father: How to Nurture and Enjoy Your Family (Sears, William, Growing Family Series.)
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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
Parents need to understand that the greatest risk our children face online is being denied access.
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This is so, so, so true and important. My husband STILL gets irritated when I interject myself into situations with the kids because I think he can’t handle it (and our babies aren’t babies anymore!). Such an important article, Stacie. Thank you!
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Fantastic post! I absolutely love that photo too!
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i can’t wait to see my husband with our new daughter (due in two weeks!) and i love these thoughts. i don’t think i’ll be nervous to leave him alone with her, but if i am then i’m going to remember this!
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It’s hard to relinquish control because nobody does it exactly like me. I have to say, though, I trust my husband implicitly. We’re a team and I trust and value his judgement. His way is just as good, if not better at times.
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As a father who was the primary caregiver for the first few years after our kids were born, I have to say that i resent the implication that fathers aren’t as well equipped and informed about caring for children as mothers. Most of the other fathers I know are great fathers that love and nuture their children as well as (and in some cases more) any mother.
I dont know why our society has created this stereotype of men not being able to properly care for children (a stereotype amplified by many parenting sites), but it seriously needs to stop. This article attempts to address this, but fall short with snarky comments like “He might feed them fruit loops and ice cream for dinner. He may not bathe them….”.
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Stacie Reply:
October 4th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
@eric (proud father), How pleased I am that you read this article and commented! I applaud your role as a father. In fact, the point that fathers have a specific and vital relationship (and certainly not an inferior one) with their children is at the heart of my thoughts in this post.
The inspiration for this article came from an interaction I had with a mom who was struggling to let her husband be the daddy. Unfortunately, this scenario is common among the moms I’ve known over the years. Those are the moms I’m writing to in this post. I agree with you that it isn’t good for dads to be seen as inferior. That’s why I wrote this.
The lines you referred to as “snarky” were meant to address a mom’s irrational fears in a humorous way. They were not meant to be taken seriously.
Again, thank you for stopping by here and sharing your thoughts.
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Send this to every woman on earth.
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Just today I had a girls’ day out and left my husband with our 8 week old daughter. And you know what?…she loved it! When I came home she was all smiles at her daddy.
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Stacie Reply:
October 4th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
@Tiffany, Excellent Tiffany. I bet he was all smiles too:). Doesn’t it melt your heart to see your husband as a father? I hope your daughter and her daddy build a strong foundation together. That is such a special relationship. And, I’m glad to hear you got some time out too.
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