We all suffer, to some degree, from Mommy Comparison. Mommy comparison is comparing oneself to another mother to the point of envy or arrogance. Let’s be honest about it. Comparing ourselves to others usually puts us in one of two dangerous camps–envy or arrogance. We feel terrible about ourselves, while wishing for that “thing” we see in someone else’s life. We’ll call that one the Envy Camp. Or we look down on someone else because we think we are better than another mommy–the Arrogant Camp. Somewhere in the middle of these two is the elusive contentedness we truly desire. Today we’ll tackle the Envy Camp.
For starters, let’s look at the definition of envy. Envy is a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another’s advantages, success, possessions, etc. We might add things specific to motherhood, such as the way another mother parents, how her children look and act, how well she cooks, cleans, dresses, does her job (if working outside the home), etc. Now, think of your own example. Who is the mother you most envy? “I wish I could _______________ the way Susy does. ” Really think about that blank. All the energy focused on Susy and her “blank” makes you feel a little defeated doesn’t it? When I’m envious, I tend to lose confidence and security. You won’t be surprised to learn that an antonym of envy is a feeling of content. How content are you when you are envious?
Working through these feelings is really quite simple, but I didn’t say it was easy. Here are some questions to ask yourself when you find yourself feeling jealous.
Do I really want what she has?
Is it a priority for me and my family?
If the answer to these questions is NO, then you must let it go! Remember what your values and priorities are for you and your family. Write them down if you need to have a tangible reminder so you see them in moments of weakness. Would you be willing to give up something you have to achieve or acquire the envied object in question? Furthermore, comparison causes us to take our gratitude and throw it out the window. It’s difficult to appreciate your own blessings when you continue to stew over those of someone else. When you slip into comparison mode, remind yourself to focus on gratitude.
If the answer is Yes to the above questions, then take that envy and put it to good use. It will not benefit you or your family if you do not turn the corner. Right around the corner from envy is admiration. Oh, I love this! No longer is envy eating you up when you realize that another mommy can help you. You’re certainly not going to improve your situation by wishing for the situation of another. Is it me, or do you hear the Superman theme song in the background? Please don’t miss the beauty of this. When we let go of resentment and jealousy in the darkness of our hearts, admiration can bloom in the daylight.
Now, humble yourself and go to that woman and ask her for help. I haven’t met many women were not willing to help out another mom, especially in an area where she happens to have some thing to give. And I haven’t met one woman yet who would not at least appreciate a compliment. So you have nothing to lose. Begin gathering research about your area of improvement. Let’s take the subject of loving discipline (minus frustrated outbursts of anger;).
- Approach the other mommy (in person if possible) and give her a compliment. Say “Susy, I notice how consistently you discipline your little ones with love and patience. I have rarely seen any anger from you when you talk to your children. This is an area where I struggle. Are there any tips you could give me or books you might recommend that might help me?”
- Follow up. Take Susy’s advice. If she’s open to it, continue to stay in contact with her about your progress.
- Do your own research. Do a search on Amazon
for any books you might read or even try a Google Blog Search for articles other moms have written.
Notice when you are focused on solving a problem, you’ll find you have little if any time for Mommy Comparison and the envy that results. As you begin to see progress in this area of your life, your confidence will grow and your envy will more quickly turn into Admiration.
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I love this! I am generally pretty content but often find myself comparing myself to other moms with more experience (I’ve only been a mom for 4 months now!). Turning it around into asking for help is brilliant. Thank you!
You are so right! I’ve been working on contentment for sometime now. In college, I was so consumed with envy of others success, good looks, etc. I was working more on “being like them” than my school work! What a waste of time!
Now I ask myself similar questions to the ones you suggested and I’m feeling so FREE! There really is so much time wasted in worrying and comparison, its amazing what I’ve been able to do (even with a little one!) since working on eradicating those two bad habits.
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