The definition of arrogance is offensive display of superiority or self-importance; overbearing pride. If you read the previous post about Mommy Envy, then you probably think this post is unnecessary–you know, because it’s for her, the OTHER mommy. Feel free to send a link to your nemesis, but don’t click “send” until you’ve read the entire post.

How can we detect Mommy Arrogance in ourselves? Stay seated and hold on tight. Try not to squirm your way out of this part. If you are suffering from envy, it’s very likely that you are guilty of Mommy Arrogance. It makes us feel better about ourselves. Building ourselves up by tearing down another mom is like a soothing balm on top of the scalding burn of feeling  jealous of someone else.  Are you with me yet?

How can we detect Mommy Arrogance in ourselves?

Ever hear these kinds of thoughts go through your mind? “Did she even take the time to shower this morning?” “Is she seriously going to take her kids out in public dressed like that?” “Oh no! She’s giving her 4-year-0ld a soda to drink!” “She isn’t even trying to breast feed.” I could go on, but it’s just not healthy for me to linger in my own dark thoughts.

Feeling like this post is for you yet? Me too!!! What we have to remember is that at the root of each criticism is probably one of our values. The value of cleanliness, presentation, healthy nutrition, etc. When you think about it this way, we soon realize that criticizing someone for their set of values isn’t helpful in relationships. We are essentially using our personal standard–our measuring stick–and comparing everyone else to it. It doesn’t truly build you up in a healthy way to put others down. It only fuels the ugly monster of arrogance.

Ever met an arrogant person? Yeah. Well, she isn’t usually surrounded by a multitude of  friendly people and she isn’t on your friends & family list in your contacts folder either. Why not? She makes you feel like a failure. Always doing something “better” than you do it. Always pointing out her mothering tips that are so great. She’s plastic!

Yes. We’re going in circles here, but don’t get lost. You do not want to be the friendless arrogant mommy and you don’t want to cross her path either.  Enough said. So, how do we meet in the middle?

Let’s call our goal Contentment in Mothering. Getting to a state of contentment is hard work. Here is my suggestion:

1. Define contentment: the state of being contented; satisfaction; ease of mind. Satisfaction requires you to decide what will satisfy you.

2. Make 2 lists. List #1–your current parenting/mothering values. List #2–your desired parenting values.

3. Now compare the two lists and decide what changes need to be made in your home, in your attitude, and in your relationships. Make sure you stay practical here. For example, one of your goals could be “Be happier”, but that is not easily measured and will likely never be achieved. An achievable goal might be “Make a list of 3 things I am thankful for each week and put it on the refrigerator as reminder.”

So, go crazy with your values. Learn to appreciate the values you see in other families. If you find yourself slipping down the slippery slope of arrogance, turn it around to make a positive outcome. Define the value that is missing (according to your standard) and make sure you are making efforts to instill it into your family. Finally, when–and only when–asked for help in parenting, be humble and helpful with another mommy.

Any other thoughts you’d like to share? Please write it in the comments section below.

We all suffer, to some degree, from Mommy Comparison. Mommy comparison is comparing oneself to another mother to the point of  envy or arrogance. Let’s be honest about it. Comparing ourselves to others usually puts us in one of two dangerous camps–envy or arrogance. We feel terrible about ourselves, while wishing for that “thing” we see in someone else’s life. We’ll call that one the Envy Camp. Or we look down on someone else because we think we are better than another mommy–the Arrogant Camp. Somewhere in the middle of these two is the elusive contentedness we truly desire. Today we’ll tackle the Envy Camp.

For starters, let’s look at the definition of envy. Envy is a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another’s advantages, success, possessions, etc. We might add things specific to motherhood, such as the way another mother parents, how her children look and act, how well she cooks, cleans, dresses, does her job (if working outside the home), etc. Now, think of your own example. Who is the mother you most envy? “I wish I could _______________ the way Susy does. ” Really think about that blank. All the energy focused on Susy and her “blank” makes you feel a little defeated doesn’t it?  When I’m envious, I tend to lose confidence and security. You won’t be surprised to learn that an antonym of envy is a feeling of content. How content are you when you are envious?

Working through these feelings is really quite simple, but I didn’t say it was easy. Here are some questions to ask yourself when you find yourself  feeling jealous.

Do I really want what she has?

Is it a priority for me and my family?

If the answer to these questions is NO, then you must let it go! Remember what your values and priorities are for you and your family. Write them down if you need to have a tangible reminder so you see them in moments of weakness. Would you be willing to give up something you have to achieve or acquire the envied object in question? Furthermore, comparison causes us to take our gratitude and throw it out the window. It’s difficult to appreciate your own blessings when you continue to stew over those of someone else. When you slip into comparison mode, remind yourself to focus on gratitude.

If the answer is Yes to the above questions, then take that envy and put it to good use. It will not benefit you or your family if you do not turn the corner. Right around the corner from envy is admiration. Oh, I love this! No longer is envy eating you up when you realize that another mommy can help you. You’re certainly not going to improve your situation by wishing for the situation of another. Is it me, or do you hear the Superman theme song in the background? Please don’t miss the beauty of this. When we let go of resentment and jealousy in the darkness of our hearts, admiration can bloom in the daylight.

Now, humble yourself  and go to that woman and ask her for help. I haven’t met many women were not willing to help out another mom, especially in an area where she happens to have some thing to give. And I haven’t met one woman yet who would not at least appreciate a compliment. So you have nothing to lose. Begin gathering research about your area of improvement. Let’s take the subject of loving discipline (minus frustrated outbursts of anger;).

1. Approach the other mommy (in person if possible) and give her a compliment. Say “Susy, I notice how consistently you discipline your little ones with love and patience. I have rarely seen any anger from you when you talk to your children. This is an area where I struggle. Are there any tips you could give me or books you might recommend that might help me?”
2. Follow up. Take Susy’s advice. If she’s open to it, continue to stay in contact with her about your progress.
3. Do your own research. Do a search on Amazon for any books you might read or even try a Google Blog Search for articles other moms have written.

Notice when you are focused on solving a problem, you’ll find you have little if any time for Mommy Comparison and the envy that results. As you begin to see progress in this area of your life, your confidence will grow and your envy will more quickly turn into Admiration.

The following is an exaggeration. It is meant only to dramatize the problem of what I’ll call Mommy Comparison. Stay tuned for another post to follow that goes a little deeper, taking us into the heart of why we compare ourselves, the dangers of it, and some steps of resolution.

Admit it! I’ve got something you don’t have. I’ve got something you want. I am a stay-at-home mommy. I home school, cook dinner 6 days a week, make my own household cleaners, and still have time to write once a  week on this blog.  I have 4 of the most beautiful children you’ve ever seen. They are polite and obedient. They are rambunctious and fun-loving. They smile all the time. They are smart and talented. I have a marriage made in heaven. To top it all off, I’m a pastor’s wife, so that makes me a goody-two-shoes. How do I get it all done? I must be Supermom:).

Have I left anything out? Probably.

What you don’t know is that you’ve got something I want. Something I need. You can decorate your house without thinking about it, without agonizing over every single item that you expertly hang on the wall. You are such an expert housekeeper that there is no such thing as Cleaning Day at your house–it just comes naturally to you. Your desk is organized and uncluttered. There are no unsightly stacks of papers and toys there. The members of your household rise up and call you blessed because they never run out of clean underwear. You have scrapbooks of each of your children neatly organized on your living room bookshelf. You spend lots of time outdoors playing games with your family. You exercise 6 days a week and eat well-balanced meals. You lost your “baby fat” within 6 months after your last baby was born. Your firstborn walked at 10 months, potty-trained at 18 months, and learned to read at at the age of 3. Need I go on?

Forgive me that dramatic outburst. I only meant to illustrate the ridiculous thoughts we sometimes think about each other. I’ve been thinking about this topic, Mommy Comparison, for over a month. I’ve been thinking about it so much that I can’t seem to move on to anything else here at New Mommy Help. Look for the next installment later this week.

What about you? Do you suffer from Mommy Comparison too? How does it affect you?

Originally published March 25, 2009, this is still one of the posts I hold dearest to my heart. Most of you haven’t seen it because you haven’t been around that long. Welcome to New Mommy Help. Put your feet up and experience the beauty of your child’s relationship with his or her daddy.

I was talking to a friend yesterday who told me her husband just couldn’t handle their two kids by himself. Or, maybe it was that he didn’t think he could? Or, was it that she didn’t trust him to handle it well? Doesn’t really matter. It got me thinking. I have heard that from lots of moms and it just doesn’t compute for me.

The first time I left Todd alone with our twins to go to the grocery store, he called me 45 minutes later. I was standing in line at the checkout feeling good to be “alone”. When I answered the call he said, “You have to come home. They won’t stop crying and it’s driving me crazy.” To be fair, I breastfed and the boys were only about 6 weeks old. He felt helpless to calm them. So, I went home. And, a week later I went to get my hair cut. This time I left him some pumped milk he could offer if things got scary. Now, years later, Todd is on his own with all four of our kids without any problems.

Why can’t we moms let go? It seems to me that the underlying issue is fear. “If I don’t do it, it won’t get done right.” Are you afraid of leaving your baby/kids with your husband? Or is he afraid? First, I want to encourage you in this area. You are the mommy. Nobody else can be the mommy except you.

So, let him be the Daddy! He might feed them fruit loops and ice cream for dinner. He may not bathe them or if he does, he may get water in their faces. He just might read them 3 stories instead of exactly two. Does all of that really matter for one day?  Or, maybe he will actually do a lot of things right. Could he actually do something better than you? You’ll never know until  you let him try. Give him some space. The time you spend away will only serve to give you a much deserved break and boost Daddy’s confidence.

What will it do for the relationship between your baby and his daddy? We hear all the time how important it is for a baby to bond with her mother, but what about the bond with daddy?

I’ll be the first to admit that I can be a little controlling when it comes to taking care of my kids. As moms, we all can lean in this direction because it’s what we do. We live each day serving our kids and rightly so. I can give the little ones a bath without getting one drop of water in their eyes. I can make the best oatmeal and tuck them in just right. Even the mistakes I make are sometimes heralded by my kids.

My husband does not do it the way I do. He’s got his own way with our kids. And I love it! Nobody can get a laugh like Daddy in our house. No one can beat him at making funny voices when reading a story. No one can out-dance him. No one can win a tickle war against him. He’s the first one the kids ask to play outside with them. And, best of all, I can leave our house knowing they will be loved and cared for while I’m gone. Notice I didn’t say they will have a good babysitter. A daddy is not a babysitter. He’s a parent.

Are you ready to let go a little? If you are unsure about how things will go, start small. Leave for one hour at a time and then expand the time a little with each outing. If Daddy needs it, give him detailed instructions on schedule, food, sleep, etc. Tell him you know he can do it. He needs to hear your approval and encouragement. One of the most discouraging things you can do to a new daddy is to tell him you don’t trust him with his own children. Even if you haven’t actually said it, maybe your actions and lack of trust speak for themselves. Let him ask questions and make sure you stay by the phone in case he needs you. Take slow steps. It gets easier each time and your confidence (as well as his) will grow too.

Recommended Reading:

Father’s First Steps: 25 Things Every New Dad Should Know

Becoming a Father: How to Nurture and Enjoy Your Family (Sears, William, Growing Family Series.)

Before you read this post, please be sure to read How A Toddler Learns To Potty Train. Then come back here for part two.

When it comes to potty training, I am not the expert. I am the experienced. However, experience alone does not produce an expert. Can anyone relate to that? Before you click away, hear me out. In a previous post, I talked about the stages of potty training from the perspective of a toddler. Today, I plan to give you my side of the story. Here’s what I did.

Research. Yes, even after potty training our 3 other children, I felt the need for help. I found Writer Dad’s Potty Training Power and purchased the package. One of my favorite things about this ebook package is the unlimited support that comes with it. Sean and Cindy Platt (the authors) have responded to my questions and concerns in detail via email several times and for less money than I used to spend for only a month of diapers.

Supplies. I found a potty book at Target in the dollar section. I printed out the children’s book from Potty Training Power. I bought a package of underwear, a package of Pull-Ups, the best training potty ever–simple, inexpensive, and gender neutral. Disenfectant wipes for cleaning the potty, flushable wipes, soft potty seat insert for use on the big potty.

Schedule. It is truly ridiculous that I had to actually schedule potty training, but it makes more sense than you may realize. Potty training is time consuming. It is like starting over with a newborn when it comes to the amount of attention needed. I figured that I would need at least 3 days uninterrupted by errands, visitors, or outings.

Strategy. So, here’s the part we’ve all been waiting for.

1. I presented the training potty to our little guy and told him that pee pee and poo poo go in there. He was happy to practice sitting on the potty.

2. I read him the books about potty training while he sat. Then I took his diaper off and asked him to sit down again. He did.

3. Brace yourself. I left him bare-bottomed all day! I did this for about 3 or 4 days in a row. We do have carpet and we have a steam carpet cleaner (if you don’t own one, you can borrow or rent one from home improvement stores).

4. I would ask him to sit on the potty and read books to get him to stay longer. Most of the time, this did not produce and measurable results, but I believe it was part of establishing a comfort level with something new.

5. When I saw our two-year-old going on the floor, I would remind him to use the potty and take him there (usually in the Living Room where we had quick access) without screaming or scaring him in any way. Be careful here. We don’t want our children to think going potty is scary or unacceptable.

6. After a few days of seeing him improve in timing and asking to go potty, I started putting underwear on him.

7. When my big boy succeeded in getting something into the potty, he would help me take the pan to the bathroom. Then, his special job was to help dump the contents and flush. As an added bonus, he got to wash his hands!

I’m serious. No potty charts, no stickers, no M & M’s. My older son asked me one day why I didn’t give our youngest a treat. It’s simple really. He loved helping with the pan and washing his hands, so why make it more complicated?

8. I still use Pull-Ups for nap and bedtime.

9. I began moving the training potty closer and closer to the bathroom to see if our trainee could hold it longer. Now that we have been out of town a few days, we’ve begun using the soft potty seat insert exclusively.

10. All along the way, I would give praise for each new step of success. When the little guy finished the job, we would go tell someone–brother, sister, call Daddy on the phone.

So there you have it. Our most recent potty training adventure. It was not a perfect journey. If you plan to use any of this in your home, take caution. It may not work out the same with a different child and mommy team. Just be sure to focus on what is working for your little one and go with it.

I’m sure I must have left something out. It looks way too easy. What else would you like to know?

I think we can agree that we all feel like failures at some point. I love to encourage other mommies. It’s the reason New Mommy Help exists. I want  to reach into your life and give you a hug, a pat on the back, a gentle challenge, some practical tips for your everyday life, or some perspective on this short season of your life. It warms my heart and puts a smile on my face when you leave comments. Someone is out there. Someone is actually reading and being affected by this site. More importantly, we are continuing the conversation with each other.

Last week, I received one of the biggest boosts of encouragements since the beginning of this blog (March 2009) and I want to share it with you. New Mommy Danielle at Our Barefoot Journey to Ethiopia shared her experience of going from failure to fulfillment after reading Feel Like A Failure? Find A New Way To Measure Progress. Please take a few minutes and learn from a fellow new mommy. You can read Danielle’s post here: From Failure to Fulfillment in One Simple List. Thanks Danielle!

Have you ever had the opportunity to encourage another mommy? How did you feel afterward?

If you have a blog post in response to something you’ve read here, share the link in the comment section below so we can all be encouraged.

I get a lot of questions about what kind of books to get for a toddler. Or, I hear moms say “She just won’t sit still long enough to read a book.” I certainly know the limits of a toddler, but it is possible to enjoy a book with him. If you want to know why you should read to your baby or toddler, stop and read this post first. Here are some tips that will help when reading with your toddler.

Don’t expect a toddler to care about the plot. Toddlers usually do not have the attention span or the desire to follow a story. You may see an increased attention span and interests in stories around age 3.

Do follow the pictures more than the story. Okay, Type-A moms, this is for you especially. I lean in your direction. I get you. We want to read every word before we turn the page. Have you ever noticed how a toddler will proceed to turn every page before you have finished reading the first one? Frustrating, huh. Especially for the tot in your lap, who does not understand why you won’t let her turn the page when she wants to. Listen. Just relax and follow the pictures. That’s what a toddler cares about right now. Point out the various pictures and say the colors and shapes you see. Your toddler will learn new words and recognize new objects just by hearing your voice and seeing the picture.

Do let your toddler lead you through the book. This a delightful way to enjoy a book together. Let her choose the book and turn the pages pointing out what interests her. Ask her questions she can answer. “Where is the cow?” If it’s a lift-the-flap book, say “Can you find the dog?” “Where did Elmo go?” Don’t take over though. She’s the leader in this game.

Don’t make your toddler sit down. If the duck is skipping in the book, then encourage your little one to skip and do it with him. If Jack jumped over the candlestick, then find something to jump over too.

Do choose books with funny-sounding words. Or, make up your own silly sounds to go with the pictures. Words like “flippety-flop”, “zoom”, “tick-tock” and “hoo hoo hoooo” will get your toddler’s attention. {Daddy’s tend to be really great at this. If that’s the case in your family, watch how your husband reads a book with your child and take his lead.} Animal sounds are a huge hit too. These are sounds your toddler will try to imitate and it’s a hilarious game to play together.

Our 2-year-old is the inspiration behind this post. He has 3 older siblings and has sat through a few books in his time. He is so much fun. He loves to “read” books. His idea of reading books is to look at the pictures and turn the pages at whim–doesn’t matter if Mommy is still talking. He loves to make the animal sounds and laughs out loud when I do too. If there is an excuse to hug, poke, tickle, or giggle, it’s even more fun for him. As a mommy of 4, I have loosened up quite a bit when it comes to reading books. I figured out with our first two that it’s not about me. It’s about kindling the love of books in my children. It’s about showing them that learning is fun and should be.

And the moral of the story is…start enjoying books today! Don’t wait for the right age or the right book. Make books fun for your toddlers and their love of books and learning will follow.

What creative ways do you enjoy books with your toddler? Or, what are your challenges when reading with your toddler?

Before I was a Mom:

I thought tantrums were cute. Well, I still think they’re cute when it’s your child.

I ironed my clothes occasionally. I’m not sure where the iron is right now.

I wasted a lot of time. Now I wish I had more time to do important things.

I had a plan. Plan? What plan?

My house was quiet. Laughter is the soundtrack of our house now.

And clean. How would you define clean?

I was sometimes lonely. Now I’m never alone. That’s good sometimes and bad other times.

I could spend an indefinite amount of time in the bathroom. I could do that now, but I probably wouldn’t be alone.

I thought my husband was a great man. Now I see that he is even more–a terrific Daddy.

I could spend all day shopping. Now I’m lucky if I can find the 3 items I went in for and make it out without someone needing to go to the bathroom (myself included).

Now that I’m a mom, I see the world through the eyes of a child. I am a little more optimistic. I’m more joyful. I have more purpose.

Now that I’m a mom, I have an opportunity to change the world.

The idea for this post came from MamaBlogga’s Group Writing Project. What was life like before you were a mom?

This post was originally written March 15, 2009. At even a few months old, I’m sure most of you have not read it. I think it’s important, so I’m putting it in front today.

Having a baby is arguably one the most stressful life events. This wonderful, awe-inspiring change brings with it heightened emotions, hormones (of course), and pressure. Even if this baby is not your first, you will likely experience added stress with a new little one at home. The new dad is also prone to feel the stress. How could he not?

A great way to release some tension is to go on a date. I know, you may be thinking that sounds crazy when your baby needs you so much. It is true that our babies need constant attention. That is the reason we must take a break and reconnect with our husbands. A marriage changes dramatically after having a new baby. It is not all bad either. Actually, having a new baby can grow your marriage in some beautiful ways. The love you share and the experiences you have as parents help to form an amazing bond between you. So, take advantage of the love you have for your baby and share it with each other. It is hard to leave your baby for the first time, but it is worth it.

Here are 5 strategies to help make date night possible.

1.    Take advantage of mom/mom-in-law when she visits. It is so difficult to leave our new little one, but who better to care for them than grandma? She will give her the utmost of attention and love while you are away. If you are breastfeeding, time the outing just right. Nurse your baby and hand her over to Grandma. Then, you have 2 to 3 hours to get away.

2.   Take someone up on their offer to watch your new little one. There are a lot of people who would love a baby-fix and want to help. Most people only offer to babysit a newborn if they really have a desire to do it. A trusted friend or neighbor may be thrilled to help you have some time alone with your spouse.

3.    Trade sitting with another family. You may not be ready for this in the first couple of months. Give yourself some time to adjust to having a new baby before taking on someone else’s child. When you’re ready for it, trading out date nights could be great for both families.

4.    Take baby along during a normal nap time. If you have one of the infant carrier car seats, this is a great option. It works best in the first 3 to 6 months when your baby is still napping frequently. Try it a couple of times and see how it works. You might even be able to take in a movie if you have a good little sleeper.

5.    Go “out” at home. During evening nap or after the last feeding of the evening, have dinner together. If you or your hubby is up for it, make a special meal and eat on the china. If cooking is out of the question, order pizza and eat it on the china. To make this last option work, you have to commit to it. Find the best fitting, attractive outfit you can. Borrow one if necessary. Really, make the boundaries strict. There must be no TV (at least during dinner). No phones ringing–turn them off. Put on some nice romantic music. Try James Taylor’s Greatest Hits or maybe Aretha Franklin’sLove Songs. Light some candles. Going “out” at home will not be special if you do not put some effort into it.

I’ve got to be painfully honest on this one. Potty training is my Nemesis. I know what some of you are thinking–those of you who have read my About Page. Yes, I have 4 children. I have trained our twins successfully, but not without trial and error. Our daughter is half-way trained and the problems we have with her are still one of my greatest stresses at the moment. I am now beginning potty training with our 2-year-old. I’d love to write a beaming report of how to potty train your toddler in 24 hours, but I’m not ready for that. Let’s take it one step at a time, okay?One thing I can offer you is a list of what not to do. If even one of my fellow mommies will benefit from my mistakes, I’ll bear them for the world to see.

When Potty Training, Do Not:

1. Start Before Your Child is Ready

2. Start Before You are Ready

3. React With Anger

4. Start and Stop and Start and Stop

5. Be Afraid of the Mess

6. Shy Away From Public Toilets

7. Expect to be Done in One Day

8. Beg Your Child to Use the Potty

9. Use Shame as a Weapon

I’m sure none of you would set out to commit any one of these potty training sins. Be careful, though, in moments of desperation. When we are weak and frustrated, we are more vulnerable to costly mistakes in parenting.

In case you missed it, check out a previous post…When Should I Begin Potty Training? This was a guest post written on how to know when your child is ready to begin training.